July 2, 2008
Pressure
So Preity sent me an e-mail yesterday. I know she had the best of intentions, and really, when it comes down to it, this is good news. Turns out, she was supposed to help in finding four other readers to cover their busy season. Her boss canceled this order when he saw how good and fast I was. Remember how I said writing coverage is an endurance test, and you have to show you can be the fastest? Apparently I was a little too fast.
But, come on. I’m unemployed. What else did I have to distract me?
Posted by Stan on July 2, 2008 11:13 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Career-Based Rambling | Digg It
June 30, 2008
Screwed
Remember the co-op? Remember how I described it as part-sales-pitch, part-new-age-feel-goodery? I had an uneasy feeling about it from, let’s say, day three. Basically, after Big-Shot Producer’s initial pitch — which made it sound pretty good — he began ladling on the creepy gravy until I felt very uncomfortable about the whole prospect. I wanted to know what happened to the mild but very much existent promises that some crazy group of foreign investors would read Dying Proof and have a response in three weeks or less. I wanted to know what happened to the co-op concept of getting 20-30 (maybe even up to 50) individual pieces of feedback on my script.
Instead, what little information I did receive — which reached a standstill by mid-April — consisted of nothing but impersonal marketing-speak. Gone was the producer who encouraged me despite his reservations about my pitch-black sense of humor. In his place stood a pod person. I didn’t like where this was headed.
Posted by Stan on June 30, 2008 10:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Career-Based Rambling | Digg It
June 27, 2008
My Knowledge of Reading
Yeah, so I got that reader job.
I sent Preity the coverage samples, hoping the ones I’d chosen weren’t too long or too short. And yet, despite my desire for brevity, I couldn’t resist sending the epic. It’s long, but it’s the best example I have of rolling up my sleeves and digging deeper, which I’ve been asked to do on several occasions. It has a plot so convoluted, it requires both a long synopsis and a long analysis, so you can get into the nitty-gritty and explore just why it doesn’t work — even the writing problems are convoluted.
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Posted by Stan on June 27, 2008 3:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (1) | Career-Based Rambling | Digg It
June 25, 2008
New Blogging Schedule
In case you haven’t noticed, I’ve switched from blogging all day, every day to blogging at least three times a week. This is a conscious effort because, frankly, blogging takes too much effort. It’s both a combination of time management — lately, I’ve spent more time than I’d like thinking about what to blog about, or trolling the Web for blog topics, and subsequently writing the post. Worse than that, in case you couldn’t tell, I’m losing steam in terms of subjects. I can only blog about screenwriting, invasive medical procedures, and standardized tests so many times before readers rebel.
So yeah, if I think of something worth blogging about on an “unscheduled” blog day, maybe I’ll write it; maybe I’ll save it for the next scheduled day. Who knows? Just don’t expect daily blogging. I had a good run, but I’m officially out of gas.
Posted by Stan on June 25, 2008 1:20 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Creative Works! | Digg It
June 23, 2008
Reader
Ugh…well, I hope it works out, but I haven’t heard anything all weekend. Preity e-mailed me on Friday to tell me her company is looking for paid readers — decent money for the scripts, but no details on volume or whether or not this will come close to being permanent. She just wanted me to send her some coverage samples to give to her boss; I did, and I’m hoping for the best. Also, of course, preparing for the worst.
Posted by Stan on June 23, 2008 1:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Career-Based Rambling Friends: Can’t Live with ‘Em Job Shit | Digg It
June 20, 2008
Mark’s Site
Immediately after the porn review site incident, my friend Mark e-mailed me with a website idea of his own. He e-mailed less about the idea (which he believes is solid) than about the technical background required to create/run a website. I told him, shit, if I can do it, so can he.
But here’s the concept: defending movies that are universally bashed (most often by people who haven’t seen them) and arguing against movies that are universally loved. It struck an immediate chord with me, a closet Hudson Hawk fan who enjoys a great deal of tasteless, lowbrow entertainment that I find contains more substance and artistic merit than many critical darlings. What I’m trying to say is, National Treasure 2: Book of Secrets is 1000 times better than Juno. The sad thing is, Juno is so bad that that only puts Book of Secrets at “fun but forgettable.”
But beyond my own tastes, it sounded to me like the kind of site that can take off. The Internet has become a magical place where you can find people of similar mind, band together, and take over the world. Or, at least, get movies like Snakes on a Plane released. My most-read and most-commented-on post of all time is my analysis of Juno, 2007’s most overrated movie. It’s only partly because I’m so damn smart and insightful; mainly, it’s sought out by people looking for a comfortable environment to dislike something that’s beloved by all their friends, coworkers, family members, the media at large, etc…
The one hitch I could see is that he, apparently, wants to write all the content himself. That’s fine, and that’s his prerogative, but I think it’s a serious limitation. For instance, he loved Juno, and he’s part of the reason I went to see it. The previous year, he loved Pan’s Labyrinth and was the only reason I went to see it (I hadn’t even heard of it prior to him telling me of its profound emotional effect on him). I’m not saying he has bad taste — these two are probably the only movies we’ve had differences of opinions on — but, like I said, his love of those overrated crap factories will limit the success. I didn’t want to be presumptuous and toss my hat in his ring, but I’d gladly volunteer for it if he decided he wanted more writers or a broader perspective.
As I said, I don’t know much about the commercialization of the Web, but he’s a smart guy, a great writer, and this concept could take off. I’ve seen several sites with occasional dissenting-from-mainstream opinions or regular columns devoted to unsuccessful films (Nathan Rabin’s great My Year in Flops column at the A.V. Club is a good example), and I’ve seen sites like the Agony Booth that revel in badness, but I don’t think a site exist that’s solely devoted to defending supposed bad movies.
I’d like to see it succeed. I’m sure I’ll mention its progress in the future.
Posted by Stan on June 20, 2008 5:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Friends: Can’t Live with ‘Em | Digg It
June 18, 2008
The Porn Review Site
For nearly two years now, I’ve done glorified volunteer work on a former college professor’s film site. It started as a pretty basic thing — he needed someone to help him post reviews once a week; in exchange for that, I got free screeners and the opportunity to have published reviews in a semi-legitimate location — but gradually I wormed my way up to a full-fledged web guru, spending a shitload of time using my limited web-design knowledge to bring the site into the 21st century.
Despite the lack of substantial payment, I’ve found the work rewarding enough to not bail. I mean, there are a lot of things I look to get out of the experience, and as long as I get a few of them, I’ll be okay for awhile.
And then The Webmaster sent me an e-mail that, for lack of a better phrase, made my brain explode, then melt.
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Posted by Stan on June 18, 2008 1:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Job Shit | Digg It
June 16, 2008
The Writing Sample Prompt
So here’s the thing: the LSAT writing sample isn’t graded, but it is sent to every law school you apply for, so you do want to give it your all. Even though I’d consider writing (and especially writing under pressure/deadlines) a major strength, my stupid prep guide scared me shitless.
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Posted by Stan on June 16, 2008 10:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | School Rants | Digg It
My Day in Evanston
Today, I took the LSAT. I had originally signed up for the February test, which would have allowed me to (barely) squeak in applications for Fall 2008, assuming I did well. Unfortunately, in January I suffered a debilitating wrist injury as a result of comical stupidity. A note for readers looking for free medical advice: no matter how strong and manly your forearms and hands are, do not lived a narrow, 40-pound box of kitchen tiles with one hand. When you feel that strain and think, This wasn’t my best idea, just drop the box, pick it up with two hands, and carry it. By no means should you keep going, grinning through the pain. It will require you to wear a splint for six weeks and, if it happens to coincide with your dominant hand, may prevent masturbation.
I had the February test scheduled at Wheaton College, a stone’s throw from my house and a drive that I knew would not be a pain in the ass, especially on a Saturday. It was perfect — but it’s pretty difficult to spend six hours doing a multiple-choice and essay test when your dominant hand is fubar’ed. I was pissed and annoyed, but I had to reschedule for June. The June test was unavailable at Wheaton (either because they weren’t hosting it or because it was full), so I got stuck with Northwestern. It may be a classy university with a prestigious law school, but getting there is a pain in the fucking balls. My general disdain for the North Shore area is well-known if not well-documented, so let me say, for the first time on this blog: fuck the North Shore. Difficult to get to, full of assholes, and worse street parking than anywhere in the city proper. It’s so bad, it might as well be Lake County (okay, some of it is).
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Posted by Stan on June 16, 2008 8:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | School Rants | Digg It
June 11, 2008
Write What You Have
Now, look, I know I’m pretty hard on Stupid Blogger, because, well…I think it’s pretty clear. Maybe I’ve only devoted one officially sanctioned Stan Has Issues™ post to her, but I still read her blog daily and mock her to pretty much anyone who will listen. I won’t start some kind of blog jihad because that’d make me look publicly crazy. I’m really only prepared to look crazy in private, where my friends can assemble behind my book and discuss how worried they are about me and my obsession with people I find intellectually inferior.
But she wrote something recently that, while comically moronic, gives me a good subject to broach from a screenwriting standpoint.
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Posted by Stan on June 11, 2008 1:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Career-Based Rambling | Digg It
June 9, 2008
“You’re Better Than This…”
I have this friend, who I have yet to add to the cast. We’ll call her Preity because she’s Indian and it’s shorter and easier to remember than Aishwarya. We go back a few years; in fact, believe it or not, she’s the infamous “coworker” mentioned here, but we remain friends in spite of that. But, you know, you can sort of glean from her behavior in that post that she’s both blunt and considered more with commercial aspects of a movie than anything else. Admittedly, she has pretty good tastes in movies, and she’s sort of like me in that she wants better movies, but she’ll work within the system she’s stuck with until she has the power to make better movies.
That said, I sent her a copy of Dying Proof a few weeks ago. She expressed some interest in reading it after I told her I had a producer interested, although “I had a producer willing to read it to make me go away” is probably more accurate.
She finally read it, and her analysis was spot-on in some areas, foolish in others, but hostile overall. One statement in particular jabbed me like a warm butter knife (which are more painful because they are not meant for stabby-stabby): “Stan, I’ve read your stuff, and you’re better than this.”
Ouch.
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Posted by Stan on June 9, 2008 8:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Friends: Can’t Live with ‘Em | Digg It
Beggin’
So I got a professionally printed brochure from my alma mater…
…begging me to donate money.
Hey, here’s an idea! Maybe, when begging for money, you could try showing that you aren’t wasting money on full-color brochures by just sending me a sheet of standard white paper with a form letter? I still won’t donate money, but at least I’d feel a little guilty.
(And let’s not even get into the fact that I’m unemployed — I don’t blame the college for that, but their “job-placement program” isn’t exactly coming through with any hot leads.)
Posted by Stan on June 9, 2008 4:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Random Musings | Digg It
June 6, 2008
Battle of the Sexist
As a longtime purveyor of filthy music, I guess it didn’t seem all that offensive when I came up with my latest idea, part of a personal project I’ve been working on for too long. The genesis is pretty simple: a few nights ago, I ran into an ex-girlfriend, who had ballooned up in weight to a staggering degree. Now, I’m not one to talk, but I couldn’t help inflating with as much glee as she had donuts. Part of it was schadenfreude — it made me happy to see that she no longer possessed the physical attributes she once held so dear. But I won’t deny that most of it was pure egotism: I wanted to believe that I was the cause, that her dumping me had as much of an impact on her as it did on me, that it so devastated her that she started binge-eating, which is actually what I do when I’m depressed.
I’m certain this isn’t the case, although I can’t exactly figure out a better cause. When we dated, she was always body-conscious and fitness-obsessed, and I was usually the frightening, doughy albatross who made it seem like she was “dating down”). At any rate, I started to think about this as the subject for a song.
It’s kind of rare that I think of songs in serious, vaguely literal terms. I know song lyrics are poetry (really shitty poetry, in my case), and poetry is mainly about imagery and symbolism, but I almost never write what you’d call a “personal” song in a literal sense. They’re always under the guise of a third-person character (or a first-person character who is not me), so while deep down they’re rooted in something very personal, they don’t appear to be. This is also how I approach straight fiction and screenwriting — I’m a big believer in “write what you know,” but it’s also not terribly hard to merge what you know with shit you’re just making up. I know what it’s like to feel trapped and isolated; I don’t know what it’s like to have every person I’ve ever known killed, or what it’s like to be on the run from the government, but I can imagine.
So before I even got the chance to gussy this up with metaphor or obscenity-laced sexual-inadequacy diatribes, a chorus popped into my head while I was trying to fall asleep last night — fully formed and annoyingly catchy. So catchy I thought I ripped it off from another song, but I’ve spent days thinking about it and can’t come up with one. (Ironically, when I fleshed it out with a verse, I discovered that section was completely ripping off “The Ascent of Stan” by Ben Folds.) I leaped to my guitar plunked out the melody, figured out the chords and the various fills and harmonies I kept hearing, wrote it all down, and went to bed.
Once I got the chorus, I started thinking about the real meat of the songs — the true thrust of my emotions. It’s mean-spirited and bitter, obviously, but at the heart of it, the idea of the song is first about how people handle breakups in different ways. It’s also about misplaced hostility, the aforementioned egotism and schadenfreude, really portraying the first-person narrator (i.e., me) as much, much worse than the ex, whose only crime (other than breaking up with “him”) is plumping up — to the extreme!
So when I talked to Lucy and she asked what I was up to, I mentioned the song and the whole idea behind it, and she said, “That’s sexist.”
Which is 100% true. Not that it’d ever get airplay because (a) I’m nobody and (b) the chorus contains liberal use of the word “fuck,” but if it did, I’d imagine a significant chunk of the female demographic would tune out as soon as they realize the chorus also contains liberal allusions to such large, balloon-like objects as the Goodyear blimp and the Hindenburg. Beyond the general sexism, it reenforces body-image dilemmas among chicks, as they like to be called. I don’t like doing that. I wouldn’t want some chick who looks into my sunken, crooked eyes and falls in love to listen to my shitty song and say, “Huh, time to develop bulimia. Where are the empty mason jars?” Which, again, is more egotism on my part. On so many hilarious levels.
So what do I do? I could say, “Fuck political correctness,” because I know I’m doing my damnedest to portray the narrator as the bad guy. I could say, “The underlying point of the song is the sexism, and the fact that this person feels — because of their own personal quirks — that her getting fat, when fatness (or at least extreme sloth) may have contributed to her pulling the plug on the relationship, is a minor victory in his eyes.” It’s not about right or wrong; it’s about the emotion of the moment, and the reflection on the moment and realizing that, even though he knows he’s a total dick, he still feels awesome that she’s a gargantuan lardass.
And then it makes me wonder crazy shit, like, “What if Springsteen’s ‘Used Cars’ was originally about running into a fat ex-girlfriend, but he rewrote and rewrote and rewrote until it became a bittersweet, semi-nostalgic snapshot of working-class life, with the fat ex turning into a used car but both of them representing something once desired and currently rejected?” Which leads me to the obvious conclusion:
I’m overthinking it. I should just write. Let the amateur-night crowd at that hippie coffee shop separate the wheat from the chaff.
Posted by Stan on June 6, 2008 11:01 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Friends: Can’t Live with ‘Em | Digg It
June 4, 2008
Free Work’s for Suckers
For nearly two years now, I’ve been “working” for a semi-legitimate film-criticism website that has, so far, earned me a broken computer that I can’t fix (which was supposed to be a bribe that I could either use myself or sell on eBay — hard to do either when I can’t make it work). In my defense, I don’t do that much work for it, and when I do it’s pretty much self-satisfying. In the beginning, the guy who runs it would send me the shit cluttering his desk, which nobody else wanted, and I’d happily review it. I haven’t done that in a year; he still sends me the clutter, but I don’t review it.
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Posted by Stan on June 4, 2008 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0) | “I’m a living joke!” - Horror Stories from the Workplace | Digg It
June 3, 2008
The CT Scan
So because my recent endoscopy/colonoscopy didn’t turn up much, my doctor recommended getting a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis. I know this doesn’t sound like much fun, but believe me when I say, “Well, it wasn’t as bad as liquid-shitting.”
The plus side is that the hospital makes you pick up this barium goop to drink before the test, which allowed me to get the rough location of where I needed to be. See, the genius who decided our local hospital apparently felt like it’d be a really good, non-confusing idea to make it a giant circle. It strikes me as kind of odd, since most of the people frequent this particular hospital seem to be in their mid- to late-hundreds, that they’d go with a layout that can confuse a person who has reasonable mental faculties (sort of).
So I got the barium stuff, which is labeled “Berry Smoothie.” I dunno, I guess that’s a good name, but if you’re going to give somebody this chalky crud with a slight tinge of berry flavor, isn’t “Berry-Yum” the obvious choice?
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Posted by Stan on June 3, 2008 10:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0) | Stories of Pain and Humiliation | Digg It
